EVERYBODY’S FREE (TO LEGAL I.D.)

Ladies and gentlemen of the radio industry of 2004:
SAY THE CALL LETTERS.
If I could offer you only one tip for the ratings, call letters would be it.
The use of call letters is required once an hour by the FCC, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than this morning’s R&R Hot Fax.
I will dispense this advice, now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your airshift.
Never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your airshift until you no longer have one.
But trust me,
in 20 years you’ll listen to old airchecks of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how good you really sounded, and how many attractive, single women actually called you on the request line.
You are NOT the geek that you imagine.

Don’t worry about being fired.
You will.
Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to serve a major market with a thousand-watt daytimer.
The real end of your job is apt to be something that never crossed your worried mind, like a sudden format change to Jammin’ Oldies at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Say one thing every day that scares your GM.

Prep.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s headphones.
Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Edit.

Don’t waste your time on Arbitrends.
Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind.
The book is long, and in the end,
it’s only one month.

Remember the awards you receive.
Forget the complaint calls.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old airchecks.
Throw away your old memos.

Backtime.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what format you want to work in.
The most interesting jocks I know didn’t know at 22 what station they wanted to work for.
Some unemployed 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Drink plenty of Jolt.

Be kind to your ears, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll do mornings,
maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll have good ratings,
maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll be washed up at 40,
or maybe you’ll be at Z-100 on your 75th anniversary.
Whatever you do,
don’t congratulate yourself too much,
or berate yourself either.
Your ratings are half chance.
So are Randy Michaels’.

Enjoy your microphone.
Use it every way you can.
Don’t be afraid of it,
or what management tells you to do with it.
It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever use.

Hit the post.
Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own car.

Read the format clocks,
even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read Inside Radio,
it will ONLY MAKE YOU ORNERY.

Get to know Corporate.
You never know when your GM will be gone for good.
Be nice to your engineers.
They’re your best link to the transmitter, and the people most likely to be there at 3AM in the future.

Understand that radio stations come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps with your contacts, because the older you get, the more you need favors from the PDs who hired you when you were young.

Do Modern Rock once,
but leave before it makes you hard.
Do A/C once,
but leave before it makes you soft.

Aircheck.

Accept certain inalienable truths:
station prices will rise,
owners will be frugal,
you AND your material will get older.
And when you do, you’ll fantasize that
station prices were reasonable,
owners were generous,
and stations respected their listeners.

Respect YOUR listeners.

Don’t expect anyone else to run the board for you.
Maybe you’ll have a hard drive,
maybe you’ll have a long record,
but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your voice,
or by the time you’re 40, you’ll sound like Moe Preskell.

Be careful which indie’s advice you buy, but be patient with the assistant who supplies it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia.
Dispensing it is like pulling a Seventies hit off the shelf, sampling it, getting Puff Daddy to produce it, and putting it back in rotation until it burns out.
This is also known as CONSULTING.

But trust me on the call letters.

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